I was shuffling my way through the security line at the Chicago airport when I noticed a young, confident girl in line in front of me. She was talking to a stranger and seemed to carry herself with poise, confidence and radiance rare in young girls today. I watched her and wondered how old she was, late teens? Twenty something? The stranger talking to her asked her how old she was and she replied, “Sixteen.”
I was impressed. She still acted 16, but just seemed really comfortable in her skin.
That is what we need to teach our girls and teens.
Twenty four hours after I heard Sheryl Sandberg talk at BlogHer 2013, I keep thinking about her interview and wondering why it bugged me so much. Sandberg opened her interview by asking a group of hundreds of smart powerful women, “How many of you were told you were bossy when you were young?” Seventy-five percent of the room raised their hand. “How many of you have been told you’re too aggressive at work?” Seventy-five percent of the room raised their hand.
“THAT is the problem.”
The problem—as I see it—is first that Sandberg has a narrow view of what kind of leadership skills we should foster in young girls and second she assumes that women are afraid.
Instead of modeling bossy behavior what would happen if we taught girls leadership qualities like: assertiveness, conflict management, knowing when to push the envelope and when not to?
I understand what Sandberg is getting at with her hand raising exercise. Women are unfairly labeled in this world. Hillary Clinton is called a “B#%%$#” for being a strong leader, while her male counterparts are called role models. I think we’re getting it wrong on both accounts. To be strong, women are taught to be pushy and bossy. Men are taught to be aggressive and overbearing. Neither are the kind of leadership skills we must cultivate if we want a new generation where equality is valued.
I appreciate what Sandberg is trying to do. She’s working hard to empower women, she wants women to have a voice. I respect that. I agree that we have a long way to go in the quest for equality for women in society: equal pay for equal work, more women in leadership positions, combatting sexism in the workplace and home. We have a long way to go.
But listening to her BlogHer interview I couldn’t help but feel like her message was reducing a complex issue into catchy, tweetable sound bites. It felt thin. I watched her short promotional video of her new women’s empowerment non-profit and it felt like I was watching an insincere weight loss infomercial. “I used to be afraid, and after a 12 week program with Sheryl Sandberg, now I’m not!”
Sandberg’s premise (in this interview and video, I have yet to read her book Lean In) is that we’re afraid and our fear defines us. And if we weren’t afraid, we would ask for a raise, ask for a promotion etc. We all have fears, personally and professionally. But to operate entirely from the “Women are Afraid” framework is offensive and even harmful.
We need to foster leadership skills that teach women effective ways to speak our minds, creating a culture where women feel comfortable in their skin (which is then reflected in the office setting), conflict management, knowing when to stand your ground, and how to be assertive.
Furthermore, we need to create a business culture that supports women, we need corporate policies that accommodate motherhood, breastfeeding, wage equality, and the like. We need government policies to reflect a society that values women in leadership, and the complexities that women face as they raise families.
So am I afraid? Yes, I’m afraid of Lyme’s Disease and heights. I’m also afraid our society fails to see women’s empowerment isn’t rooted in our own fear, but requires a cultural shift that is multifaceted, and requires a multi-pronged solution.
As I continued to shuffle along the security line, I felt a little glimmer of hope. The young sixteen year old continued to converse confidently with a stranger. THAT is what we need more of.
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I agree that women should be strong if not supported, then they begin to believe they re not worthy to have a successful job and love what they do.
Exactly, thanks Vicky. I am hopeful for a culture in which we can support women in the the workforce through equality, good corporate and government policies!
REALLY well done. I love this and I have felt that same way for a while. I like that she is trying to help women, but she assumes we’re not smart enough, or too afraid, to understand the big scope and breadth of the issues we face. We need big picture solutions to this, not just buzz words. Thanks for sharing
Thanks Tracey, I’m glad you liked my post. The good news in all of this is Sandberg is sparking a conversation that needs to be had. What does the next wave of feminism look like and how are we going to get there?
Lindsay, really thoughtful post, and I think there’s much to learn in it: Yes, we have to be careful not to reduce messages of female empowerment into empty slogans. And it is so, so easy for that to happen. Not every woman goes through life with an idea of being held back by fear — I know *I* certainly don’t. I agree with you that teaching girls and women to demand to be seen the way that 16-year-old girl was ready to be seen is way more complex than “You go, girl!” I think and hope that Sandberg is trying to lead a conversation that inspires a deep, hard look at how women are reflexively urged to be polite, take a step back, make others look good FIRST, then step up for their day in the sun. And she wants not just women to take that look, but men, corporations, educational institutions, the government. But at the end of the day she knows that the burden of that change simply MUST lie at our feet, at the feet of women. Thanks for writing this.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment! It’s clear Sandberg is opening the doors to a conversation (although not necessarily a new one) about how women can lead and succeed in the workplace. You raise a good point that many women work hard to make others look good first, then let themselves shine. I think there is work to be done in that arena for sure. I am glad I got to see her speak since it has helped me articulate what kind of women’s movement I want to participate in. Thanks for adding to the discussion!
Could NOT have put it better myself. Arnebya sent me here before you got a chance to let me know. This was truly well thought-out and well-articulated. And – as you know – I agree.
Great job Lindsay.
Thanks Jennie! It was great to meet you this weekend. I look forward to reading your work :)
You make an excellent point here in that women advancing into leadership does not have to occur by women embracing undesirable personality traits. In a time period where buzzwords rules, I see so many people accepting very narrow definitions of a word (such as leader and successful) and deciding that to be a leader or to be successful means lowering yourself to an unsavory common denominator instead of elevating yourself to a higher level while still retaining what makes you you.
Just yesterday I saw a young relative on a website where friends ask Q & A answer a question with “successful people are happy and unsuccessful people aren’t.” I think being able to find happiness makes people a success on some level whether society would view them as that or not. I believe that women can be tough leaders while being fair and contemplative…not bossy or pushy…and I think that men need to do the same.
A lot of get-ahead books miss this type of point entirely in an effort to condense everything to support a single buzz word or phrase.
Thanks Ashley – I agree, why should women (or men) need to put on a dominator/bossypants mask in order to succeed? There are people that have a lot of admirable traits that lend themselves well to leadership positions, but we have yet to value and foster those differing perspectives. I think it’s time for a cultural shift, and based on the positive feedback I’ve received on this post, it seems like there is momentum!
God you are amazing. I love you for saying this. I have watched a couple of interviews with her and although I know she must be coming from a good place, her words do not fit with me and what I have known for my life.
Thanks Shane :) It seems there are a lot of women who feel the same way, which is really refreshing. It’s good to know that there are a lot of women who are ready for something bigger than what Sandberg’s message encapsulates. I respect what she’s doing, but want to push the envelope further.
It made me feel awkward when they kept asking that question and using that word over and over, “what are you AFRAID of?” It reminded me of a job interview I had once where the partner kept asking, “are you afraid of this job?” Not, “do you think you can do it?” or “what challenges would this represent for you”, but “are you afraid” over and over and over. Finally I looked him in the eye, after trying many times to answer his question in my own terms, and said, “I’m not afraid of anything.” I didn’t get that job. And I think THAT is the problem women face in the job market today. Not only the fact that some women lack the confidence to stand up for themselves, but also for the fact that when we do “they” don’t like it.
Jennifer- you hit the nail on the head!! Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Yes! You said it so very well! I was slightly put off from her first appearance on the stage. After all, how can you profess equality and a moving away from gender-types,when your very appearance is the definition of a gender-typing’s view of a “successful woman” complete with business mini and heels.
I can never muster a lot of interest in someone pushing to “break molds” when they ARE the mold.
Thank you for writing what so many of us were thinking!
Thanks Chris! Glad I could capture a sentiment that was shared in the crowd — thanks for the great feedback and feel free to share with your networks!
Love this post, Lindsay! I actually thought the same thing when she spoke. When BlogHer Visionaries asked me what I would do if I wasn’t afraid, I actually said that I would say “no” to more commitments. Meaning that sometimes I say “yes” because I am afraid that if I give myself the bandwidth I actually need to enjoy my life, I will be missing opportunities professionally. That is not the right answer. When we are asking for equality, that doesn’t mean we are all asking to be CEO’s. Some of us are asking for the freedom to work part time and still be respected in the workforce. Some of us are asking to be respected as SAHM’s without having to justify it by saying we are also this and that and the other thing at the same time. We need to realize that we are keeping this discussion alive so that we can be enough AS WE ARE. But the discussion itself is important, and I appreciate her for bringing it up. I think the key is keeping the discussion going, and not bowing out just because we don’t all think the same way. I know you read my post about that aspect, and thanks for your comment too! :-)
Jenny, you raise a really good point that I’ve talked to lots of women about. Equality is more thank just becoming a CEO, although we need to push for that as well. It’s about having partners/husbands etc respect women who stay home to raise the family, have thriving blogs that change the conversation in this country about important issue, regardless of how much money they make. The more I hear from women on this issue, the more I’m convinced that equality and the path to it is complex and requires us to think deeply and carefully about how we get there. And contrary to what some might have us believe, women are fully capable of having a nuanced and careful conversation about something as complex as women’s equality. Sandberg or anyone else doesn’t need to dumb things down for us.