What happens when you’ve been practicing for years and your yoga practice starts to “slip away”?
I know I’m not alone in my yoga journey, surely others have traveled a similar path. Starting out reluctant and skeptical, then ambitious, practicing 5-6 times a week. Doing two classes in one day. The advanced series on the weekends. And then slowly, life got in the way and my yoga practice started to slip through my fingers. In hindsight, perhaps I started to take it for granted.
When I first came to my yoga practice I was on an unhealthy road. I drank regularly, and a lot. I ate junk food late at night after tending bar. I rarely cooked or exercised. I was creeping closer to 200 pounds.
Starting my yoga practice was like breaking a wild horse. I was angry, I hated the heat, I struggled tremendously, I fought with my mind, body and the teacher, and for some reason I kept coming back.
I often left class thinking “I’m never going back here” only to show up two days later. Somewhere, deep down inside I knew I needed this yoga practice in my life.
And then came years of practicing regularly. I feel in love with practicing yoga. Five to six times a week I’d take a 90 minute Bikram yoga class. My inflexible hamstrings started to open up, my practice evolved as did my diet, mind, focus and strength.
I transformed.
I would go to bed early in order to prepare for class the next morning. I’d skip going out with my friends since I didn’t want to drink alcohol and feel bad in class the next day. Yoga was a core part of my life and I lived in a constant state of preparation for my next yoga class.
I even trained for the regional yoga championship, an opportunity to present your yoga practice—where it is in that moment—to the world. On somewhat of a fluke, I qualified for the national yoga championship in Los Angeles and had an experience, one that is uniquely mine, that gave me an appreciation for the mental discipline needed to practice yoga deeply.
The ballroom had around 200 people, it was pitch black, a row of ten judges sat at the front, and Bikram Choudhury himself sat in the front row. There was complete silence.
And in that dark and silent three minutes, I shared seven yoga postures with that room.
I knew that if I could stay in Standing Head to Knee in that moment, a mental exercise above all, I could do anything.
And then I came home from that transformative experience and started dating someone. During this time I was faced with the choice to take class or to spend time with a new and fun person in my life. I chose both, but taking class six times a week was no longer a priority.
I started to find a healthier balance between living for yoga and allowing my yoga practice to live my life more fully. For years my postures were beautiful, “advanced” and deep, and yet I was living my days for a 90 minute yoga practice. The tides had changed and I started to let all the wonderful transformations I earned from inside the yoga room (mental and physical health, an ability to be more open to the world and people in it) outside of the yoga room.
And that meant practicing less.
Lucky for me my boyfriend at the time already practiced yoga and took class with me, but my practice wasn’t as regular. And that felt good.
In the last six months I really scaled back on my practice, for various reasons. I moved, traveling for work, you know… life.
And so in taking class this morning and over the past few weeks I’ve felt as though I’m “losing” my yoga practice. For the first time in seven years, I am feeling what it’s like to lock your leg in standing head to knee without the proper inner thigh strength. My inflexible hamstrings and back prevent me from getting deep into the postures like I used to.
My postures don’t look like they used to.
This process has made me realize that even though my postures were advanced and deeper than they are now, I was attached to the vanity of how the postures looked. Now I’m faced with no longer being the “Lindsay with good postures”, and it bugs me. The egoic vein part of me wants to identify as the “Lindsay with good postures”.
The ebb and flow of my yoga practice continues to teach me lessons. This idea of “losing” my practice has made me look hard at why I loved when my postures were advanced. Was it the health benefits that came from those postures – which is what I told myself at the time? Or was it the vanity of it all?
If yoga has taught me one thing, it is that nothing is “lost” and my practice certainly is not. So as I travel back to my home studio in Minneapolis for the holiday break and practice among my loving original yoga family, I will work hard not to judge myself and worry about what my friends are thinking about what “happened” to my postures.
Instead I will try to use this phase in my yoga practice to recalibrate, focus on practicing 3-4 times a week while still allowing time to actually live my life. As I rebuild my inner thigh strength for Standing Head to Knee pose, I will focus on the structure of the posture and executing it for the sake of my health and the mental lessons that come from that, rather than creating a posture that looks beautiful.
This won’t be easy. We are vein creatures.
Like a wavering scale, my yoga practice has teetered back and forth over the years, a natural part of the process.
What I originally thought was lost, was just a transition for new insights to be gained.
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Hi Lindsay,
Wow, I’m so glad you found my blog and linked to this article, I really enjoyed reading your personal path with Bikram yoga. I also found this practice when I was in an unhealthy place in my life, but I’ve never committed to it as much as you. That’s pretty awesome that you’ve participated in the national yoga championship, I’m not sure that’s something I could ever do. When I first began I practiced once a week – Saturdays at noon and usually with a hangover. After a year of this I wanted to commit more to the practice and began going 3 to 4 times a week. I cleaned up my diet and I drank a lot less. You’re lucky you met a man who will go to a class with you – my boyfriend won’t. That’s cool with me, cause I like it being something I can do by myself, but I definitely go less these days. If possible though, 3 classes a week would be an ideal amount for me. Bikram yoga attracts a lot of A-type people, and you definitely sound like you are one! I think you have the right attitude now though – don’t judge yourself so much and just enjoy getting back into your practice. I’ve been practicing for almost 5 years and I STILL can’t lock my knee in standing head to knee (talk about tight hamstrings!) The thing I love about Bikram is that it’s the same series every time, and it’s a yoga you can leave and always come back to, at any time, in any circumstance, and at any age. Do you agree? When did you begin practicing by the way? Would love to stay in touch. I’m on Twitter @melindadiorio
Thanks Melinda, I’m glad we’ve been connected as well. Bikram is definitely a type A kind of practice (guilty!)
Try having a baby! After pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum recovery and caring for an infant, my yoga practice was a goner. Or at least I thought so. When I went back to my first class, I was absolutely shocked that I could still get into headstand! And in the following 2 years I became stronger than I ever was before, hitting arm balances I never dreamed of, not to mention 6 pack abs!
Here I am, pregnant again with Baby #2 and knowing that my practice will again be waiting for me when I’m ready.
Michelle – I can only imagine! Glad to hear you are back and stronger than ever. Here’s to a healthy second pregnancy!
Haha, I second what Michelle said :-) Two babies in two years and I wasn’t able to practice again until my youngest was around 2 years old. I am much stronger now after integrating Pilates into my fitness routine, giving me the core strength I need to work more on yoga. I find that they balance each other out, for me. It’s really neat to expand our definition of fitness as we get older and enter different life phases. As our teachers say, your practice is a journey!
I couldn’t agree more! I’m so happy now that I’ve started to incorporate strength training into my fitness regime, my yoga practice has gotten better as a result. Thanks for contributing to the conversation.
You are an amazing writer Lindsay! And it’s fun to read about your journey with Bikram yoga. As you know, I have been practicing for over 10 years too, and I’ve lost my practice from one degree to another at different times over the years. Lately, it’s been gone again, and has been pretty gone for probably 6 months (I hate to admit that), but it’s true that the lessons learned on the mat are ones that cross over to “everyday” life, and for that I will always be eternally grateful to the time I have put in on the mat, knowing that it is always there for me wherever I am emotionally, mentally, physically or geographically! Maybe I’ll make it to a class while you are in town! Hugs to you!
Thank you Michele :) I think our practices evolve over time (as we do hopefully!) As a friend said, we practiced a lot in the beginning to help rid ourselves of the barriers to living fully, and now that those barriers are gone, it’s ok if we’re not practicing as much! I like what you said about that mat will always be there for us. Hope to see you soon.
I love this piece, Lindsay. Like many people, I’ve had a similar experience of going from hating a sport, to living for it (to an obsessive extent), to having life get in the way and backing off, to realizing that backing off in order to spend time with people you love actually brings better balance and well-rounded health (yet while still struggling with vanity when comparing oneself to previous abilities, as you describe!). Thanks for so eloquently capturing how those transformations feel!
And P.S.: very cool that you were in the championship!
Thanks Hanna – the championship was intense and wonderful at the same time. Thanks for the feedback :)
Bikram said once about someone in standing head to knee “I can look at you in this posture and I can see your whole life” Yoga is timeless, real, and transcendent. I don’t think he means he can see how tight your hamstrings are, or stiff your back is, more likely he sees how mad you get when you fall out or how determined a person can be when they continue to wobble. I think he really means: It is the microcosm of the macrocosm. Some days your head is on your knee like a polaroid others you fall out and you…go back in. Some days we are carefree and think we have total control and the next we ‘fall out.” Those of us who know you and love you Lindsay, never cared what your postures looked like. We see you and we love you no matter what. You are a rock in that class. So solid and genuine and amazing. I cannot wait to practice with you. You make the class (microcosm) better to be in and the whole world (macrocosm) a better place. Just like real like. It is interesting to think about, though– why we go to Yoga, where, how and what we are getting out if it. My yoga teacher WIlliam said “Its time people stop practicing for pleasure” When I heard him say that I was terrified. Because I got huge amounts of pleasure from going to class. From the sweat to the incense to the savasana. I was majorly in love. But when I look back now, after months and years of practice that has been at times, very painful and no fun at all. I think, that was the honeymoon period back when I enjoyed every moment. Now I know what its like to be married a while. I understand where the diligence and hard work pays off and some days just showing up is what matters. Thank you for this blog–its very thought provoking and it helps me miss you less.
Sigh… dear Martha, thanks for this response. I can’t wait to practice with you, in just a few short days. xoxo